


Cross your mind

by HiddenTrekker



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: C/7 mentioned, Drunk Dialing, F/M, Post-Endgame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-08
Updated: 2019-05-15
Packaged: 2019-10-24 11:42:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17703686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HiddenTrekker/pseuds/HiddenTrekker
Summary: Kathryn Janeway got drunk and dialled her former first officer





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I heard the song 'Cross your Mind' by Sabrina Claudio and it struck me as a perfect opps call from Janeway to Chakotay

His comm terminal bleeped indicating he had a message, probably left early morning he guessed vaguely remembering the time he had come home after the party last night. He ran a hand over his face and shuffled sleepily over to the replicator.

“Coffee, cream and sugar” he ordered, a small smile gracing his face as he remembered a certain Captain’s face when he used to order it. Collecting his drink he settled at his desk and tapped his console to life. 

“Computer play message” the screen flickered to life showing a face almost more familiar to him than his own, and the one he had just been picturing in his mind… although she was looking a little bit worse for wear, and obviously intoxicated. Kathryn Janeway.

_ Chakotay… oh damn I promised myself I wasn’t… wasn’t going to do this. Oh well. I’m a mess, I admit it. Not that should be a surprise to you, I always want to do anything that isn’t any good for me, and this message is probably one of those. You know… you know tonight was meant to be fun, spending some time with everyone before… well before we all separate again, instead I spent most of my night wondering about you and Seven, thinking ‘who the hell is she to be smiling in your arms’... damn it Chakotay it should be me! _

_ I know I have been afraid, and you have been too, afraid to do what we want, but I have been curious, do I ever… do I ever cross your mind?  When your kissing her, touching her, staring into her eyes? What about when your running your fingers through her hair, like you did to mine? Tell me Chakotay, do I ever cross your mind? _

_ Yes I know I’m a hypocrite, it’s not like I have been spending my nights alone… well if you believe the news feeds anyway… but even if they are true, they don’t stop me from wondering if you are waking up next to her… if she feels like I did under you… remember New Earth and the plasma storm… _

_ In reality Chakotay there is no one but you keeping me up at night, well, my… my jealousy, jealous of her, jealous of everything, and wondering if I’m right, that you feel the same way I do… tell me that I’m right, you know how much I hate to be wrong. _

_ Oh I shouldn’t have done this… too much punch, damn that Tom Paris and his ‘authentic’ experiences… please just delete this and forget about it. Please. _

The screen went blank, Chakotay sat there stunned, unsure if what he had just seen was genuine or some trick that had been cruelly played on him. He rewatched the message a few more times until he heard movement coming from the bedroom area, Seven had finished regenerating and he had agreed to help her pack her things to move to her Aunt Irene’s today, after their relationship had ended last night. Idly Chakotay wondered if Kathryn had something to do with Seven’s decision to end their relationship. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Its the morning after the night before, lives are changing but will it be for the better or worse?

Janeway's head hurt. The sunlight streaming in was burning her eyes even though they were still closed. She silently cursed Tom Paris and whatever it was that was in the fruit punch that he had been constantly putting in her glass. She couldn't remember if she had ever seen the bottom of it or not.

Deciding that she should attempt to move, more because she needed coffee than actually having to leave the cocoon of her bed. Sitting up her head spun and her stomach threatened to rebel. A detox hypo was needed. 

“Computer, contact the EMH and request a detox hypo” the computer bleeped in acceptance of her request. A few moments later a hypo materialised in her replicator with a note from  _ Voyager's _ EMH, ‘ _ Next time Mr Paris has a party I suggest alternating your drinks Captain’  _ Kathryn grinned at the note, the doctor would never give up trying to keep Tom in check along with the rest of her crew.

Injecting the solution into her system the effects of the alcohol began to wear off, her head instantly clearing and her stomach settling. 

“Coffee black” her favourite drink appeared in front of her; she picked up the cup and inhaled the scent, feeling herself begin to wake up more fully. As she closed her eyes she had a flash of memory… she had sent someone a message… no it was more than a simple message, she had poured her heart out. She felt a drop in the pit of her stomach as her memory reminded her who she had sent the message too.

“When I next see Tom Paris I'm going to kill him” she growled

 

***

 

“That is the last of my possessions Chakotay” Seven's cool voice informed him, if he didn't know her better he would have said that the ex-drone had no feelings towards him at all; let alone was ending their romantic relationship.

“Alright. Well then I guess this is goodbye then” he replied, trying to keep his voice neutral.

Seven nodded and turned the transporter pad, she gave Chakotay a quick glance before ordering the ensign to initiate the transport.

Chakotay stood staring at the empty pad for a few moments _ ‘do I ever cross your mind’ _ , Kathryn's words came into his mind again. 

He realised that he should be feeling sadness at Seven's departure from his life, instead he was feeling a mixture of relief and freedom. Turning away from the transporter pad he headed towards his home; his mind going over his short romantic relationship with Seven. There had only been a few dates, a couple of kisses but not much beyond that… hell they couldn't even share a bed due to her need to regenerate. They had attended a few events together, danced and laughed together but it never felt natural. She was stiff in his arms whenever he showed any type of affection, not like Kathryn, she would relax into his arms when they danced, lean into his touch. 

_ ‘Who the hell is she to be smiling in your arms’  _ her words continued to haunt him, he knew Kathryn was right but they were so alike in their mannerisms; which made sense as Kathryn had been instrumental in helping Seven to come into her own individuality. Even their eyes were similar in expressing their emotions, but Kathryn's were more expressive, when she was angry they shimmered with a cold blue fire, when she was happy or up to something they glittered with mischief. Chakotay smiled at the memory of the candle light reflecting in her eyes during those dinners together on  _ Voyager,  _ the warmth within them _. _

So lost was he in his own thoughts that he was surprised to find himself outside a familiar building. It was like all the others around it, Starfleet weren't very imaginative in their designs when it came to buildings. However this one was special, Starfleet's most famous Captain lived within.


	3. New Information

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. Writers block

Kathryn Janeway didn’t hear her door chime, she wasn’t in. Refreshed after a hot water shower, her detox spray and uncountable cups of coffee she had headed out to speak to her former Helmsman, hoping he could shed more light on the previous night.

She was greeted brightly by her Chief Engineer, B’Elanna, baby Miral in her arms.

“Captain!” the half Klingon smiled, “Could you take Miral for a moment, I need to get her blanket and bottle”. Kathryn’s smile lit up her face as she took hold of her goddaughter and namesake. Memories of her first meeting with the youngest member of her crew flashed through her memory.

_ ‘B’Elanna, Tom, she is beautiful. Congratulations’ she had beamed at the happy couple in front of her, a small bundle in a pink blanket in her mother's arms. ‘Have you settled on her name, I need to add it to her blanket before I give it to you.’  _

_ Tom glanced at his wife who gave a subtle nod. ‘We decided to name her after the strongest women we know, her name is Miral Kathryn Paris’ Hearing the baby's name tears sprang to Voyager’s Captains eyes, she hadn’t always been close with Tom and her relationship with B’Elanna had been rocky to say the least over the years, but she was touched by their gesture. _

_ ‘I’m… honoured’ she smiled, touching the little girls face.  _

Kathryn walked around the living space of the Paris home, rocking Miral gently in her arms, Tom appeared at the door and simply watched her for a moment, taking in the image of his battle hardened Captain soothing is new baby daughter. Kathryn paused when she spotted him but continued again quickly.

“Sam told me you were good with Naomi when she was a baby, but I wasn’t sure if I could believe that the great Captain Janeway had a softer side until I saw it with my own eyes” He joked gently. 

“Mr Paris, I would be careful if I was you… given your actions last night you’re close to being busted down to Ensign again” Kathryn growled lightly.

The blonde man smirked, “Oh come on Captain it wasn’t like you didn’t have a good time”

Kathryn smiled at him, the gentle teasing from Tom reminded her of their rare off hours together at a function Neelix had put together or his banter with Harry on the Bridge. “Be that as it may Mr Paris, there are a few gaps in my memory than need filling in” she replied, levelling a mock death glare at him. 

“I’m not sure I will be of much help, B’E night be. For only a half Klingon she can certainly hold her drink like a full one” he joked as his wife entered the room, bottle and blanket in hand. 

“Speak for yourself Flyboy” she told him as she gave Kathryn the bottle sensing her daughter was comfortable with her Captain. “What do you remember from last night?” She asked Kathryn, both settling together on the sofa.

“I remember arriving and finding all of the senior staff, including you two and Chakotay but Seven wasn’t with us, I don’t know why” 

“She and Chakotay had a fight before they left for the party...something about their ‘incompatible natures’ according to him” Tom interrupted, answering a question that had been plaguing Kathryn since she had seen her First Officer alone at the party.

Kathryn nodded, “then I remember Harry getting me a drink, but that cup never seemed to be empty. I’m guessing that I have every member of the crew I spoke to to thank for that” she grinned, feeding Miral, “I remember dancing...and seeing Seven dancing with Chakotay.” Kathryn felt a sharp pang of jealousy run through her at the memory. 

“Yea I think Seven was only really dancing with him because she wanted to see your reaction.” Tom told her, “As soon as she saw that he was reacting to your presence too she snapped and stormed off. The big guy followed her but when he came back he didn't look happy and then spent the rest of the night avoiding being with you alone. No one saw Seven again for the rest of the night. From what Mike told me, the latest Voyager couple is over.” 

Kathryn was stunned into silence. Why would Chakotay's reaction to seeing her make Seven leave like that? It was well known that  _ Voyagers _ command team shared a close friendship, one that was forged in the fire of battle but maintained by an unspoken promise made on a planet light-years away.  _ When you run your hands through her hair, like you did to mine.  _ A memory of her words last night come back with a clarity she had forgotten existed for her where her First Officer was concerned. “Thank you both, I have to get going...there is someone I need to speak to” she told the couple handing B'Elanna her sleeping daughter back carefully. “We will have to arrange a dinner or something soon” were the last words they heard from their Captain as the doors slid closed behind her.

“Well… sounds like she finally woke up to the big guy, wonder if the same can be send for him” Tom said, kissing his wife's hair lightly as their daughter slept peacefully in her arms.

 


	4. Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quick Chapter

Chakotay didn't know why he had done it but he had waited outside Kathryn's building all morning, waiting for her return. He mused on the times that he had sat on the Bridge waiting for her to return from some away mission that seemed too dangerous for the Captain to really be going on, but being Kathryn, she had gone anyway.

His heart clenched at the memory of seeing her leave to be assimilated by the Borg, the warmth of her hand still present in his, the relief and joy he had felt when he knew she was back in sickbay and safe, the horror at seeing what had been done to her and knowing she would live with those memories forever, when she had been back giving him orders and moaning about the EMH before she had even left sickbay he had known she was truly herself again, he had felt his heart lighten a little, the constant fear that had been his constant companion since meeting her backed off again to the dark recess of his mind. 

Now, sitting and waiting for her again, the fear returned. What if she didn't remember sending the message? What if she hadn't meant any of it? Could it have really have been just the alcohol talking? Or even worse, loneliness? Chakotay wasn't sure of her reasons, but he was certain of how be felt for Kathryn, he had never felt differently in the seven years he had known her. She was part of him and the void in his life, even for this short time, had left his heart aching and empty. Not even Seven by his side could alleviate it. He needed Kathryn in his life as much now as he did on  _ Voyager. _

He was bought out of his musings when he noticed a familiar figure come into view on the other side of the complex. He would know Kathryn Janeway anywhere, he had spent almost every day of the last seven years by her side, learning and memorising the way that she moved, her figure then tormented him in his dreams.

She paused when she saw him sat on the bench, by the way he was sitting Kathryn guessed he had been there for a while. “Chakotay” she called, her voice taking on a false brightness. She didn’t know why she did it, she knew he would see through it, he always did.

“Kathryn. I was just… passing, and thought you would like to join me for a coffee.” he replied, his tone equally taking on a false tone. 

They studied each other for a moment, both using their knowledge of the other to figure out what territory they were in, professional or personal, how far they could push the line, if now was the time to cross it.

“I just got some fresh, non-replicated grounds in, why don’t you come up?” Kathryn told him, sensing this was a conversation that needed to happen within the privacy of her home, rather than the publicity of a public cafe. Both of them were already attracting attention as it was, they were the command team of the most famous ship within the Federation, and therefore were both hounded by the press, desperate for news of what awaited Captain Janeway and her faithful Maquis First Officer Chakotay.

He smiled at her and fell in with her, half a step behind and to the left as always. They rode in silence in the turbolift, due to the invasion of the press for both Kathryn and Chakotay, they had been given apartments on the top floors of their respective buildings. Kathryn stared straight ahead, the normally comfortable atmosphere between them was thick with unspoken words. Chakotay kept glancing at her, trying to read her body language. He could see the tension she was feeling lifting her shoulders, his fingers itched to relieve them, memories of New Earth had been flashing through his mind since he had seen Kathryn’s message. The weight of her hair in his hands, the way that her body responded to his touch. 

The doors slid open and Kathryn stepped out. They both scanned the immediate area in front of them, a habit still present from their time on  _ Voyager _ , one that would take a long time to leave them. Without pausing Kathryn entered her keycode, Chakotay smiled to himself, it was the same as his had been on  _ Voyager _ , he made a mental note to ask her about it, once the more pressing matter had been resolved between them.

“Coffee?” She asked, her words casual, but he could pick up on the tension in her voice.

“Please.”

“Computer, two coffees, one black, one with cream and sugar” she ordered. Both smiled at the many conversations they had regarding his preference for coffee. Kathryn indicated for Chakotay to join her on the sofa in her living room, they settled together, knees touching lightly. The silence between them was still thick between them, uncomfortable.

Kathryn decided to speak first, after all it was her message that had obviously led to this. “Chakotay… about last night…” her words failed her, questions flew through her mind. Should she hide from her feelings for him? Hide behind the rules she had put in place on their relationship all those years ago? She was technically still his commanding officer until  _ Voyager _ had been officially decommissioned. Or should she finally let her heart speak? 

“A lot happened last night Kathryn” Chakotay stated simply, watching the internal battle playing out in her eyes. 

“Yes it did. To be honest there are some holes in my memory” she smiled sheepishly. Chakotay’s eyes flashed with sudden sadness, “But there are other pieces I remember clearly.” she added. 

“What do you remember?” he asked, they were both tiptoeing around the issue, something else that had become a habit from  _ Voyager _ . A well rehearsed dance for the pair of them.

Kathryn thought back.


	5. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kathryn remembers the night before...

_ Kathryn stared at her reflection in the mirror. The dark blue silk dress gently caressing her curves, her hair was in a softer style than it had been on duty, her makeup more noticeable. Slipping on her matching high heels she nodded at her appearance and headed for the door.  _

_ Arriving at the party she had taken a few moments before opening her car door to the ever resent flash of holoimagers that were going off in her face since they landed. Starfleet really wanted some good news to dominate the press feeds at the moment after the darkness of the Dominion War and the slow rebuilding process. She had done her duty and posed for a few images, answered the questions she was able to, most of them were about the Delta Quadrant and almost all of their time out there was still classified so she was unable to answer those. Making it inside she let out the breath she had been unconsciously holding as she entered the familiar presence of her crew, her family. _

_ “Drink for the Captain” Harry said as he approached her with Tom and B’Elanna. _

_ “Thank you Harry” she replied, gratefully accepting the glass, “I take it you all had to run the gauntlet too”  _

_ “Oh yea, but it was nothing really for us, its you and Chakotay they are really interested in” Tom replied. Kathryn smiled and starting sipping her drink as they all moved in to the main ballroom of the party.  _

_ Kathryn felt the warmth of her crew envelop her, she relaxed for the first time in days as she greeted each of them. Slowly the group made it over to the bar, making their way through the well wishers for Tom and B’Elanna on the birth of their daughter, and thanks for Kathryn on getting them home, she reminded all of them that it was a group effort and she couldn’t have done it without each and every one of them.  _

_ Locating Harry at the bar, having made it through the crowds ahead of them, they all collected the drinks he had ordered for them. Kathryn scanned the room for her First Officer, as she always did unconsciously.  She saw him across the other end of the bar, he was with Seven, but she could tell by the way that he was standing that he was not happy to be by the tall blondes side. She allowed herself a moment to take him in, his dark hair being allowed to grey again, his bronze skin looking darker from the trip to see his cousin in Arizona, the cut of his tailored tux showing his broad shoulders clearly, the tightness of his shirt across his chest was enough to send shivers through her.  _

_ As if he could feel her eyes on him, Chakotay looked up, a smile crossing his face, dimples on show for a moment before he returned his attention back to his date. Kathryn felt a pang of jealousy for towards the couple. She had always hoped that when they finally made it home, it would be her on his arm rather than her protege.  _

_ “Doesn’t look like the honeymoon phase lasted very long.” B’Elanna’s voice caught Kathryn’s attention and she turned to face the half Klingon.  _

_ “What makes you say that?”  _

_ B’Elanna scoffed, “Come on Kathryn, you know him as well as I do, probably even better. Just look at him, does he look like the man in the throws of new love?” She asked _

_ “We don’t know how new their relationship is, remember they hid it from us all for a while. In fact he has never actually spoken to me directly about it.” Kathryn remarked, her voice bitter. _

_ “Well that speaks volumes in itself, you’re the one person he would only tell if it was something serious for him. If he had fully given himself and his heart to her.”  _

_ Kathryn was struck by her Chief Engineer’s comment, Chakotay had always spoken to her before about his relationships, and she with him, but then they had both known that they were nothing more than passing flirtations, as soon as Voyager was out of the system or the ship had passed then there would be no more relationship. The only one Chakotay had been slightly concerned about was Kashyk, the Devore inspector, however that was only while Kathryn had played the love struck girl for the arrogant inspector so she could complete her mission. The evening that the mission was over and they had been able to leave Devore space without any other interruptions Kathryn had explained it all to Chakotay, and cleared the air between them. She had been able to tell that he had been worried, hurt even, by the way she had been with Kashyk, but he had understood in the end.  _

_ Kathryn had believed that because Chakotay hadn’t spoken to her about his relationship with Seven meant that he was invested in the relationship, more than he had been any other in their time together on Voyager. However hearing B’Elanna’s comment gave her pause for thought, could it mean that he simply saw Seven as a passing distraction rather than the wife she had become in the Admiral’s timeline? _

_ “Are you two going to spend the whole night watching the big guy and Seven?” Tom’s voice broke both women out of their individual thoughts and bought them back to the conversation. _

_ They group had stood talking for most of the evening, joined by various members of the crew, the EMH joining them for most of the time once he arrived, Starfleet allowing him use of his mobile emitter for the evening before returning back in the morning so they could complete their tests on it. The music had swelled and Harry, emboldened by the drinks he had been consuming all evening had asked Kathryn if she would like to dance, Kathryn had agreed happily and followed the young ensign on to the floor. As Harry moved her around on the floor to the music Kathryn had caught glimpses of the latest Voyager couple, she noticed Seven’s eyes following her around as Harry swung her around.  _

_ The tempo of the music changed and the rest of the group joined Harry and her, laughing at Tom as he attempted to ‘throw some shapes’ as he put it. All the time Kathryn could feel eyes on her, she knew where they were coming from and tried not to read too much into it.  _

_ B’Elanna was the first to notice that Chakotay and Seven were having a heated discussion, and that neither of them looked particularly happy. She saw Seven gesture towards Kathryn’s turned back and  storm off.  _

_ “Oh dear, looks like they are at it again” she commented, as she saw Chakotay head in the direction Seven had just gone in.  _

_ “I wonder what it could be now” Harry muttered, not overly interested but wanting to take part in the conversation. Kathryn felt her cheeks heat, she knew it would have something to do with her from the way that Seven had been watching her all evening, and the obvious avoidance from Chakotay. Normally they would have found each other instinctively, but tonight she felt purposely avoided by him. _

_ “The bug guys back, B’Elanna go and get him, he looks angry.” Tom asked his wife. B’Elanna nodded and made her way over to her oldest friend.  _

_ “Maybe I should go.” Kathryn said, attempting to make her way from the group.  _

_ “Why?” The EMH asked, simply enjoying the music and being with those he considered his closest friends again.  _

_ “Too late to make your exit Captain, here they come” Tom interrupted _

_ B’Elanna followed by a reluctant Chakotay joined them, he was warmly greeted by them all, but only gave a cold smile to them in return. Small talk was exchanged but Kathryn wasn’t able to pay it much attention, she was lost in thought over her First Officers demeanor with her and the rest of their Senior Staff, and the noticeable absence of his date. She had continued to drink before deciding that she should call it a night and let the crew enjoy the rest of the party without their Captain watching over them all, not that she had been but she was aware that a few of the lower deck crewman were not as comfortable around her as those she had seen more frequently.  _

_ She made her excuses and left the party via the back entrance, knowing that Starfleet security were able to keep the press away from there, entering her taxi she closed her eyes and drifted into a light intoxicated  sleep, images of her time with Chakotay throughout the years flashed through her mind, followed by images of him and Seven, many were images that had haunted her dreams, imaginings of their dinners together, what dates they had been on, the way that Seven looked at him.  _

_ Kathryn wondered if he could remember that she had once looked at him in the same way, she wondered if he remembered the feel of her skin like she did his from their time on New Earth. She could still feel the weight of his body over hers as he protected her during the plasma storm.  _

_ She made it into her apartment and kicked off her heels, sighing at the relief she instantly. Although her heels had looked good, she hadn’t expected to be standing in them for as long as she had been. She padded over to the replicator, disabled the alcoholic override and ordered herself a large whiskey. Her mind swirled with memories of Voyager, stolen moments over drinks in quarters, the relationships she had made with every member of her crew, Chakotay in particular. The choices she had made in order to get them home, the restrictions she had put on her personal life to allow the Captain to function. She regretted some of those choices now, particularly ones she had made about her First Officer.  _

_ Shaking her head, the room swimming as she did, Kathryn Janeway stood up from her sofa and made a choice to leave Captain Janeway behind as she made her way to her comm terminal.  _


	6. The conversation starts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s only a quick chapter, building to what happened between Chakotay and Seven in the next.

Chakotay listened patiently as Kathryn told him what she remembered of the night before.  _ At least she remembers going to her comm terminal  _ he thought. He watched her pace back and forth across the room as she recounted her memories, a small smile gracing his dark features at the memories of her doing the same on  _ Voyager _ when she was dealing with a difficult dilemma or some problem that was perplexing her, like the degraded message from Starfleet. 

“Do you remember sending me a message last night Kathryn?” he asked when she fell silent. She nodded slowly, her confidence suddenly leaving her. “Do you remember what you said in that message?” 

“Some of it” She admitted, “A few phrases keep popping in to my mind… so I remember enough to get the idea of what I said. All I can do is apologise” Kathryn said as she sat on her sofa, her hands knotted around each other as she fought with a corresponding knot in her stomach.

“Why are you apologising Kathryn?” Chakotay asked, confused by her sentiment.

“Because you are with Seven, I left it too late to tell you how I felt, clearly anyway. I tried so many times over the years Chakotay, but I always hid it behind something much less than what I truly felt… and still feel.” Kathryn felt tears begin to threaten in her eyes, where she would have normally pushed them down, allowing the Captain within her to take over, she decided to let Kathryn take the lead and allowed them to fall. Within moments Chakotay was at her side, closing the remaining gap between them. Although he didn’t pull her in to his arms, as she had once hoped he would, she fell into him and leaned on his shoulder.

“Seven and I… we aren’t together, I’m not sure we ever really were.” he told her in his soothing voice.

Kathryn frowned and lifted her head to look into his eyes, searching for any trace of deception, knowing she wouldn’t find any before she even looked closely. “The Admiral, that is Admiral Janeway, she told me that in her timeline, you and Seven were married… I just assumed that as you and she were together already that your relationship would head in the same direction.” 

It was Chakotay’s turn to be surprised. “That may have been what happened in the Admiral’s timeline, but things are different now, she spent another 16 years in the Delta Quadrant, and look at us here, now, sitting on your sofa in San Francisco, after only seven years. Who knows how many other things that has changed, who knows what will be different for us all now.” 

Kathryn thought about what else the Admiral had told her, the 23 other crewmen she had lost, Tuvok’s descent into madness, the damage that was done to her friendship with Chakotay after Seven had died, Kathryn suspected that it was damage done long before then, perhaps it had already started.

“Yes, who knows… I’m still waiting for Braxton or one of his crew to appear in my rooms, tell me that what Admiral Janeway did needs to be corrected.” She admitted

Chakotay smiled, his dimples in full affect, Kathryn felt the familiar tingle run through her spine at the sight of them. “I am too” he admitted.

“I would have imagined that they would be here by now though” she sighed, “we have been home a week. Perhaps the devastation we caused the Borg is enough to allow us to come home earlier than she did” Kathryn shifted her weight and moved away from Chakotay, the knot in her stomach tightening at the question she knew she had to ask. She swallowed and took a breath, “What happened with you and Seven?” 

The question was out, hanging heavily between them. 

It was Chakotays turn to feel the need to pace. “How much do you know, I will fill in the gaps” 

“Only what the Admiral told me” she admitted, Kathryn watched as he began to pace. 

“Alright…” he began


	7. The night before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chakotay remembers and explains

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this has taken longer than I planned to, life got in the way and I must has written this about 5 different ways, not entirely happy with it but it is better than the other drafts.

_ They had been back from the Ledons planet for a couple of day and the atmosphere between himself and Seven had become much more friendly than he would thought when Kathryn has first bought her onto Voyager.  _

_ He had begun to notice the more human traits that Seven had developed, some of them reminded him of Kathryn, or how she was when they first met.  _

_ When Seven had caught him off guard by asking him on a date he had been flattered, so many of the crew thought he was unattainable because of how close he was to Kathryn, many believed that there was something more between the command couple than the friendship he treasured.  _

_ Perhaps once they would have been right, but lately, since Quara really, that relationship had been strained and Chakotay had given up hope that there would ever be anything more between. He had given up on their promise made to each other all those light-years ago, to wait.  _

_ While they were on Voyager things between them had been going well, Seven was strong and confident, something Chakotay had always found appealing in the women he dated, however since they had been back on Earth she had become needy and unsure of herself and her place within the crew as they were now. Chakotay had tried to be patient with her, but he had found her constant need for his attention difficult to deal with, especially when he was speaking to Kathryn or B’Elanna as he got the impression that neither woman approved of his relationship with the ex-drone. _

_ He turned his attention to the reflection of his date in the mirror. The deep red material of her floor length dress clung to every curve, skimming effortlessly over the outline of her remaining abdominal implants, her blonde hair fell around her shoulders softening her features and hiding the implant by her left ear until she tugged a stray strand over it. Her long legs were bare under the fabric, it should have made his mouth water at the thought instead though he realised that he felt nothing at the idea of her laying with those legs entwined around his later on this evening. Watching her put her perfectly matched red heels on, Chakotay realised that although he cared about Seven, he didn’t care for her in the way that he should.  _

_ He cleared his throat and turned to face her properly as she lowered her leg to the floor. “Are you ready to go?” He asked. _

_ She nodded and collected her purse. She stood to the side of him and took his arm, this had become her customary position with him, it still felt unnatural to him.  They fell in to an easy enough step and headed out to the party. Chakotay realised that he was looking forward to spending the evening with his friends from Voyager, perhaps Seven would feel able to leave his side and he would be free to spend some time with Kathryn without being watched. _

_ They arrived to a flurry of flashlights from holoimagers, they were the newest couple from the most famous ship in Starfleet, a former Maquis wanted criminal and a former Borg drone, not to mention Seven was simply beautiful. Chakotay felt a flush of pride run through him that Seven was on his arm.  _

_ Finally being freed from the press Chakotay opened the door and led Seven in to the entry hall, they were immediately greeted by the Doctor. Chakotay felt the tension in Seven’s body dissipate as the holographic man pulled her in to conversation as easily as if they had been on Voyager.  _

_ Chakotay stepped away, releasing Seven’s arm, hoping that she wouldn’t miss his company, she turned her head and gave him a small smile as he did so. He nodded as he stepped away to find out if B’Elanna had arrived yet, he had missed the half Klingons’ company. She had pulled away from him since his relationship with Seven had become public, part of him wanted to believe that it was because she was hurt that he had hidden it from her for so long, but he knew that it was because B’Elanna didn’t approve of it. She had always had a problem with the former drone, their relationship had been tense from the beginning, their personalities were so alike that they were always bumping heads.  _

_ He found her at the bar, waiting for her drinks order to be delivered. “Hey stranger.” He greeted her warmly. _

_ “Hey yourself” she replied, turning towards him, the light playing against the fabric of her black dress.  _

_ “B’E... “ the words died in his mouth, what should he say? ‘Hey sorry I’m dating a woman you can’t stand but still where are you?’, or ‘Quit being a Pe’Taq and just come over’? He wasn’t sure so he decided to go with a safe subject, a trick he had learnt from Kathryn. “How’s Miral, has she learnt to sleep yet?”  _

_ B’Elanna was about to answer when he saw her dark eyes go hard, he didn’t need to turn around and look behind him to know who it was. He felt a cool hand, complete with strangely warm metalwork slide between his waist and arm, her fingers hooking in to the crook of his arm.  _

_ “Hi Seven” B’Elanna greeted her. He felt Seven nod in greeting before she turned her head to him. _

_ “The Doctor would like to speak to both of us.” Seven stated rather than requested, she tightened her grip slightly on his arm as she turned to leave. “It was nice to see you again Lieutenant” She said leaving Chakotay little choice but to follow. He smiled at B’Elanna in a way that he hoped conveyed how sorry he was at Seven’s behaviour. _

_ Chakotay followed Seven to where the Doctor was standing in conversation with Samantha Wildman, ‘seems the Doc didn’t want me after all’ he thought.  _

_ “Ah Commander” the EMH greeted him when he sensed the return of his favourite patient and her date, “Seven was just informing me about the developments in your relationship since Voyager returned home”  _

_ Chakotay felt his cheeks heat, he wasn’t sure if it was from embarrassment or anger at Seven. He quickly cast his mind back to think of any developments that there had been since they returned home, Seven had been spending more time with him, more time than he would have liked if he was honest, she had effectively moved into his apartment even though she had her own, but there had been little more than that. He couldn’t even remember more than a few kisses and her attempted efforts at initiating more physical affection, but he just wasn’t as interested in her in that way, he didn’t believe she was really ready for more. He had to keep reminding himself that she was little more than a teenager when it came to relationships due to her life being interrupted by her assimilation.  _

_ “Developments?” He heard himself ask, regretting the word as soon as it left his mouth. Thankfully Samantha had disappeared into the crowd, he made a mental note to thank her later.  _

_ “Of course” the Doctor replied, “Seven has been keeping me up to date with her life here on Earth and all that it has entailed” he simply stated, Chakotay felt his anger prickle.  _

_ “Then there is nothing that you need to ask me about is there Doctor. If you would excuse me I need to speak to Seven a moment” he turned to the blonde woman next to him and indicated that they should move to the quiet corner on the other side of the room.  _

_ As they moved through the crowd Chakotay felt his skin tingle, he was used to the feeling and almost dismissed it. Kathryn was here. Every fibre of his body responded to her, it had been that way since she had stood between him and Tom Paris that first day in the Delta Quadrant. Trying to ignore the sensation he pressed on with Seven. _

_ “Would you mind telling me what the hell you have been telling the Doctor” he snapped, “and anyone else for that matter”  _

_ Seven looked like she had been slapped. “I have simply spoken to him about my life here on Earth, and about our relationship” she replied cooly, “I anticipate that you have done the same with friends”  _

_ He scoffed, since his relationship with Seven had begun his ‘friends’ had been strangely unavailable for any kind of discussion, let alone how he was feeling about his relationship with Seven, he was however pretty certain how they would all respond to his current feelings for her.  _

_ “No I haven’t” He put his hands on his hips, his skin tingled again, Kathryn was close and had her eyes on him. “They haven’t exactly been easy to contact lately and quite frankly your behaviour towards them hasn’t helped” he wished he could take the words back as he saw her face change from serene certainty to confusion. “You were rude to B’Elanna just now and if I try to make contact with Kathryn, even for official reasons, you make both myself and her feel uncomfortable.” He explained, “your possessive to the point of suffocating lately Seven”  _

_ “I do not believe so. My research in to human romantic relationships stated that partners should be together at all times to the exclusion of all others of the opposite gender. For you that would mean Captain Janeway and Lt. Torres.”  _

_ “Yet you still speak to the Doctor regularly by all accounts” he snapped, his anger taking hold, the frustration that he had been feeling since they had arrived home finally overwhelming him. “You seem to believe that it is one rule for you and another for me, or that our relationship should follow your research rather than letting it develop naturally.” He sighed, “Seven, I think this is a mistake. You and I are better off as just friends.” He states simply, tension leaving his body as he said them. _

_ “You wish to terminate our romantic relationship?” She asked, requesting clarification as if he was the computer working on a difficult problem.  _

_ “Yes” he simply replied. _

_ “Very well, I will collect my belongings tomorrow and go to my aunts.” Seven turned and walked away without looking back at him.  _

_ Chakotay sighed and returned to the main room, once again he could feel a pair of steel blue eyes on him, however it was only briefly. He looked up and noticed that the group around his Captain had grown to include Tom, Harry, B’Elanna, Ayala and the EMH. Seven was nowhere in sight. Heading towards the bar he was pulled to one side by B’Elanna who wordlessly guided him towards their group. He followed, hoping that he would feel less awkward with them all, especially now that Seven was no longer on his arm.  _

_ A few hours later he became aware that Kathryn had used her old trick and dipped out of the party early. A tactic she had used on Voyager, however then he would normally accompany her and they would enjoy a drink in either of their quarters before calling it a night, he realised now how much he missed the simple ritual. He felt a cool hand on his shoulder as a matching voice entered his ears. _

_ “Chakotay, would you like to leave now. I require the use of your apartment tonight, my regeneration unit is still there.” He felt his skin prickle at the idea, “I have made arrangements to join my Aunt Irene in the morning” she stated simply.  _

_ “Of course” He indicated that she should go ahead of him and was relieved when she did, the freedom he was feeling within his chest growing stronger with each step.  _

_ When they arrived back at Chakotay’s apartment he headed straight for the bedroom to collect the bedding and made up his sofa, not wanting to disturb Seven while she regenerated within the unit set up to one side of his room.  _

_ He didn’t notice the message on his screen indicating he had a message as he closed his eyes and let sleep take him. _


	8. Always

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry it has taken ages to post this. I couldn't decide how to end it for the command couple, in the end they did it for me. I was going to try my hand at smut but couldn't quite do it... if anyone wants to colaborate on a smut one with me just message. 
> 
> I hope the ending is good enough for you and for them

Kathryn sat listening as Chakotay spoke, sensing that he needed to unburden himself as much as she clearly had the night before… only it had taken alcohol for her to be able to do so, apparently Chakotay didn’t need that, just a friendly ear. 

She watched as he paced back and forth, explaining everything to her, all except the questions that she needed answered were. Why didn’t he tell her? Why let it go on so long if he didn’t feel anything for the ex-drone? Was it just the parts of Seven’s personality that reminded him of her that he had been attracted to? Kathryn allowed the questions to swirl in her mind, losing herself in them.

“Kathryn… Kathryn” she looked up in to the face of a clearly worried First Officer. 

“Sorry Chakotay, I was just thinking about what you were saying” She covered. They both knew that she was lying, but only a little. She had been lost in thought, just not about what he was saying at that moment.

“You can ask me anything you want, I can see your mind working” He replied.

Kathryn gave him a smile, but it didn’t clear the sadness that was showing in her eyes, “You never told me” her voice was barely above a whisper. “Why did I have to hear about it from the Admiral, it should have been you”

“Trust Kathryn Janeway, from any timeline, to spoil a plan. I was going to tell you that evening, invite you for dinner to make up for the lunch plans I had to decline, but then the Admiral arrived and it all went to hell from there” He admitted, he was telling the truth, Kathryn knew him well enough to know that. He smiled and fiddled with his earlobe, clearly he was uncomfortable with whatever he was about to say next. “I wanted to wait to tell you, I didn’t know if it was serious between Seven and I at the time, I didn’t want to say anything if it was a passing flirtation” 

“But it is over now less than a month later…” 

“I know, and they are.” He sighed, “The things that drew me to Seven, her confidence, the humour that was beginning to emerge, her independence, everything that made Seven… well Seven, started to disappear. She became attached to me, fearful of leaving my side.”

“She retreated into the teenage girl that she really is, emotionally anyway. Remember she was assimilated at 6 years old, we have known her for 4 years as an individual, and even with the help the Doctor has given her I would still say she is emotionally about 17. Other than Axum in Unimatrix Zero, you are her only real relationship as an individual.” Kathryn reasoned out loud. Chakotay considered her reasoning and agreed, at least in principle, however the reality of it had been smothering. 

“I’m sorry I ever got involved with her, and I’m even more sorry that I didn’t tell you… even as a friend.”

Kathryn was a little surprised by his use of the term ‘even as a friend’, “Come on Chakotay, we haven’t exactly been as close lately.” 

“That’s my fault” He told her.

“No it was both of us. After everything that last year threw at us I’m impressed that so much of our friendship has survived.” 

They fell in to a comfortable silence, memories of the last few years haunting both of them, Quarra, the Equinoxx, Seven’s constant testing of them both, the constant battles both from within the crew and the alien species they encountered. 

“Where did it all go wrong?” Kathryn whispered, her voice soft, unsure.

“ _ When we turned away from each other _ ” he replied, mirroring her words from their first disagreement on  _ Voyager _ , the alliance with the Borg, the mission that meant Seven of Nine joined their crew. The turning point in their friendship. 

Kathryn’s eyes darted to his, steel saddened blue meeting clouded pained brown. “We got stronger after that.” it was a statement, not a question. The years after the Borg encounter their friendship deepened, became stronger, closer to a relationship than Kathryn had ever thought possible, even her engagements hadn’t meant as much to her as her friendship with Chakotay. 

He smiled, “We did… but if you think about it, that was when you were able to give  _ us  _ less time, Seven took up every spare moment you had both on and off duty. She was difficult, constantly questioning you and testing the rules that we had held in place for so long within our crew. Even when she wasn’t causing a problem at that moment, you would analyse everything she had done the time before. You became lost in the chaos Seven created. We were still close, so close that I began to hope again, hope for more again.” 

“And then Quarra happened.” She stated again, she had felt the rift forming in their relationship when she had returned to the ship, after her memory had been restored by the Doctor, he had pulled away, she had hoped that it was to allow her simply time to adjust and sort through everything that had happened to her, the violation she had experienced both personally and as a Captain whos crew had been violated as well. 

“When I saw you on the planet, you were so happy, free, you looked rested. It was only when I saw you with him that I realised why.” His voice cracked at the memory. “You were happy without me”

“My memory was wiped, I had no memory of you” she explained

“I know that, but at the same time people were drawn to each other still, Tom instinctively knew to protect B’Elanna and their baby, Jor and Celes were together, the same as they had been on  _ Voyager _ , Tuvok, despite his problems with what they did to im, he still wanted to pull everyone together and get to you, he knew you could figure it all out.” 

Kathryn smiled, “Chakotay… do you remember when I found you in my apartment… you had a phaser pointed at me as I recall, but my memory might be a little fuzzy there”

“Yes, and it was a small phase device, the phaser would have been picked up by security” 

“I knew you weren’t going to hurt me, I knew you were someone I could trust. I couldn’t explain it, but something in my gut just told me. When you referred to me as Captain for the first time, it felt alien, not only to be called Captain, but something in the back of my mind was telling me that it was alien for  _ you  _ to call me Captain. When you regenerated you face and I saw your tattoo I knew you were someone I knew, something in my heart was telling me that I could trust you and that you would support me… no matter what” She explained. “You see, I was drawn to you.” 

“But Jaffen?” 

“Have I ever told you what Mark was like when we first started dating?” Chakotay shook his head, unsure of the sudden change of topic. “He was like Jaffen. Overly sure of himself, smooth in a way, boosted my confidence. It was only later when I was given  _ Voyager _ that cracks began to show with Mark. He liked being the one with the carer in our relationship, when I made Captain, he felt overshadowed, wanting me to stay on Earth, at least in the Sol if possible, that’s why we never made a date to actually marry, I was happy being attached but free.” 

“So the old you, the one that remained without Starfleet and  _ Voyager,  _ was attracted to Jaffen.” He understood, the strong, driven Kathryn had been taken away, replaced by another Kathryn happy to live a smaller life, with a man in the spotlight, leaving herself with a supporting role. “Why ask him to stay?” 

“I felt like I owed it to him, like he deserved a chance to leave Quarra if he wanted, but I also told him that we wouldn’t be able to have a relationship if that was his choice. He was all for staying with us, until he realised that  _ Voyager _ and her crew came first. He couldn’t accept that, like Mark couldn’t… like you were always able to.” Kathryn explained, her voice soft. 

“You never told me” 

“Told you what… that yet again duty stood in the way of something I wanted? I didn’t want Jaffen once my memories were mine again, but yet duty got in the way of anything more than friendship. It always does… did” she corrected

“And now?” He asked, his voice tinged with hope at the direction of their conversation. “Duty doesn’t stand in the way anymore. I have taken my promotion to Captain, but I am no longer in your command. Your an Admiral, you can do what you like, have any ship as your flagship.” They both smiled, the both knew that her place was only ever on one ship, and that Starfleet would give her anything she wanted. 

“Now, for the first time in a long time I am able to let Kathryn breath, for Kathryn to take a backseat to Captain Janeway” she replied, they had similar conversations back on New Earth, then Kathryn had admitted that she felt she had to almost fracture herself in two, letting Captain Janeway take over, letting Kathryn out only in private. 

“Is that why you sent me that message last night?” He asked, bringing the conversation back to the reason he was at her door in the first place.

She simply nodded, not trusting her voice. She still wanted to know the answer to her question.  _ Do I ever cross your mind? _

“When I saw that you had left that message, I was worried that you would simply be telling me that you couldn’t continue our friendship any more, and though it would have killed me, I would have respected your choice and backed off, but that wasn’t your message at all, it was the opposite. Something within your drunken mind decided that you had to tell me, ask me if I thought about you, regardless of my relationship with Seven, which as far as you were aware was still on when you called. 

I want to be angry with you for it, for not respecting my relationship with Seven, for not respecting me enough to let me be happy… But I can’t be angry with you. I didn’t respect you because I didn’t tell you, by allowing you to believe that nothing had changed between us, Seven and I, as well as you and me. 

I didn’t respect Seven though either, I allowed a relationship with her to begin, simply because I was flattered when she asked, that anyone had asked and didn’t automatically see you as having a claim to me. Even though you do, and always have since the moment you squared up to me, putting yourself between Tom and my phaser, not that you have ever asked for it, my heart was yours from then on.” The words tumbled from his mouth, all the words he had once dreamed of saying to her but had swallowed down for the sake of duty, her rank, and  _ Voyager _ . 

“And now…” she asked, her voice cracking past the lump that was forming in her throat.

“Always” 

That one simple word, the word he used with her for everything. That one simple word meant far more than a hundred words ever could. 

Chakotay stood up and settled again next to her, taking her small hands in his. 

“I should never have started with Seven, it wasn’t fair to any of us. You asked me if you ever crossed my mind when I was with her… the truth is that you’re always on my mind. Everything that Seven did reminded me of you, some of her mannerisms are straight out of the Janeway playbook, turns of phrase she used I could hear you saying. When I kissed her, it was your face I saw. When I held her hand, it was your hand I wanted to be holding. 

It’s always been you Kathryn.”

Tears pricked her eyes, everything she had wanted to hear from him over the years was now out in the open, everything she had wanted to say to him was there too, left in a drunken message. Smiling she leaned forward and lightly pressed her lips to his, after a split second he responded pulling her close, holding her within his arms. As their kiss deepened a fleeting thought passed through her head,  _ perhaps Tom deserves a promotion rather than a spell in the brig. _


End file.
